Oriium

Surely, you have come to this blog in search of wisdom. I can see it in your eyes. No, not your physical eyes…I can see through the astral lense, right into the souls of those reading this article. You clicked on it seeking practical tips, and this you shall have. And yet…spiritual enlightenment will follow. If you’d like to know how to gaze into the astral lense yourself, I’m giving a seminar in Melbourne: The Astral Lense: See What People REALLY Think of You! Tickets on sale now, buy one and the next is half price!

Oh, you’ve heard it said by those who see me in person that my appearance is ‘put on’. That everything I do is to throw up a smokescreen that I am closer to the other, spiritual realm than I actually am. “I have it on good authority that there’s a place in Ballarat that does laser hair removal, and Orium goes there!” it has been whispered.

Oh, it is no secret, hence why I state it in such blatant terms! My cosmetic surgeons, for they are numerous, have been a great aid in helping me to achieve the physical appearance I desire. My eyebrows have never been…more on point. And why? Why, you say?! Is it not obvious? Those who have attended my courses could easily tell them, if you thought to ask.

It is…our spiritual self. Not physical in the ways we tend to think, but an entity nonetheless. With nothing more than a faerie candle (available in the shop!) and intense meditation, you may look into the mirror and see your spiritual self, who has a distinct appearance; how you wish to look. It is not a perfect reflection, but a reflection nonetheless. I look into that mirror and see my perfect spiritual self with marvellous eyebrows, free from unwanted body hair and full lips that can only be given by professionals in lip fillers in Melbourne. Naturally, I seek them out. It is the purest way to commune with your inner self! So less judging…I’ve already burned through my gnome-crafted anti-judgement incense sticks.

-Orium