Oriium

Bernard the All-Powerful knew what he had to do. It had come to him as clear as a vision out of his crystal ball. He was going to purchase a second-hand car.

It was going to be Bernie’s car.

Something that would belong to him entirely. Not the way that the world had once belonged to him during his angsty phase where he chose to play with humankind. This was going to be privately his. He could finally feel like he was part of the new technological uprising.

He would finally get out of his sun-lounging-on-the-porch habit and travel the world again. Just because he had been alive for so long didn’t make him old. He was only three centuries young!

The issue was that the strange machines were still a mystery to him. He didn’t understand car maintenance, barely understanding how often to get a general service. To him, a transmission service was still associated with the radio. 

He knew that he should have driven an auto, but he couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride. How hard could using a clutch and a brake together be? He settled on an old manual second-hand car off the internet. Prior to the pre-purchase inspection, he tried to gather as much information about his new endeavour as possible.

He felt optimistic about the prospect of changing his life, but it quickly dwindled into boredom. There was so much to learn prior to owning a car. He fell back into his lounge chair and spelled himself a drink. Inspiration struck at the first sip. He would brainwash a mechanic near Morayfield and take all of their knowledge. That was it. Every genius knows that you should study smarter, not harder.

Satisfied that this would solve the slight pang of existential dread he had felt before, he took another long sip. He really was the greatest, most powerful wizard in the world. No, the universe. Why would he ever feel dread about that?