Mysticism is Hard

It’s not as easy being a mystic and free spirit as you’d expect. Most people are all like “Oh, it must be so nice to not be tied down, floating about the figurative cosmos as free as a giant space octopus”. And most of the time, it is really nice. But as a mystic with the ability to see the future, I often feel the need to help people wherever I am. Despite the fact that I have chosen to live a minimalist lifestyle, people often offer me money for my services, and they insist that I have to take it. Of course, I don’t want to waste anybody’s money by having it sit there, so I begrudgingly take it.

For example, I came across a glass tinting business the other day, and I saw a vision in which they would become the most successful commercial glass tinting business around Melbourne if they invested heavily in a specific cryptocurrency. The boss was sceptical, but I insisted and he eventually gave it a go. The scheme was so successful that the boss thanked me with a cheque for one million dollars. I can’t just let that money sit there, so if you see me driving a Ferraro, just know that I wanted to put the money to good use.

I’m aware that the obvious thing to do after receiving an extreme amount of money from an office window tinting company would be to donate it to charity. But I definitely saw a vision recently that warned me against that. If I give any money to charity, I will lose my psychic abilities forever. So I guess I’ll just have to drive a Ferraro from now on.

I honestly really don’t want to be living in a mansion, either, but after I saved the Prime Minister’s life, there’s really nothing I can do about that. The Secret Service (yes, we do have a Secret Service. They’re just so secret that you’ve never heard of them) regularly comes around to check up on me. They’ll know and inform the Prime Minister if I don’t show gratitude for my gift.